- Pregen: Klaus Kleinmann, the Creep
- Pregen: Winnie Wurmstein, the Hoarder
- Pregen: Joachim Yapper, the Jerkass
- Pregen: Zelda Zoom, the Klutz
- Pregen: Bradley Bulle, the Loudmouth
- Pregen: Marissa Measley, the Moocher
- Story idea: The Race of the Rubber Duckies
- Introduction: The Rickety Raft
- Scene one: The Wood I! Hardware Emporium
- Scene two: The Mastodon Mall
- Scene three: The law firm of Connive, DeSiege, Bamm-Boozle & Harris
- Scene four: Adventures in raft restoration
So, we have now outlined the first act of our Monstrous Mishaps Story. Our heroes have, hopefully, a more or less seaworthy raft to enter into the race, and our two main antagonist groups have been introduced. Now we need to take a step back and set up some pieces for the race itself.
Firstly, the judges. There’ll be three of them, starting with Mrs. Frederica von Fjomp of the Committee for Maintaining Pleasantness in Gooberville. She’s a prim and proper middle-aged woman who likes everything to be neat, clean and official. She’ll take a liking to the lawyers, who are equally bland and boring, especially that nice Mr. Harris who never contradicts her (mostly because he is often unable to speak due to his Mister Cellophone Outsider Bane, but never mind). To make Frederica an especially tough sell, we’ll make her the target of Joachim’s Hell’s Fury Jerkass Bane. We can say she cut in line at the supermarket last week, and this is of course unforgivable! He needs to punish her somehow or he’ll be docked GP at the end of the Story; at the very least, he should try to push her in the water or something.
The second judge is Mannfred Mope, the Town Elder. Mannfred is really just in his fifties, but everyone swears he seems older – in fact, sometimes when you glance at him from a certain angle, you could swear that there was moss growing on him! This is because he’s a Grouch, a sort of Monster who embodies the idea of the immortal who’s crossed oceans of time. What that amounts to is that he disapproves of everything, especially things that prevent him from taking long naps. He’ll probably award extra points to whichever team makes the least noise.
The third judge is teenage malcontent Stanley Snottnowse, chosen representative of the senior class of Gooberville High. This is actually the result of a prank on the part of the rest of the student body, because Stanley hates everything that’s lame and boring, and few things are more lame and boring than the annual Race of the Rubber Duckies. He’ll sulk through the whole proceedings but may take a shine to any team that cheats blatantly and entertainingly. Barry and Siegward, being at least aspirationally antiheroes who scoff at civilised rules, may get his vote.
As for the rival teams, we’ve already been over the lawyers and their vessel, the Billable Hour, at some length. They’ll run a clean race and observe all the rules in the book, though they may loudly call foul on any miniscule breach of those rules the players might be guilty of. If the players sabotaged the Billable Hour, Bonefatius will use his Ice Ice Baby power to freeze the water around the raft, effectively sealing any holes. This will, however, so exhaust him that he goes catatonic for the rest of the race, with his colleagues being hampered from having to drag his inert carcass along. That said, they are probably the team most likely to win if the players don’t stop it – two out of three judges are predisposed to like them, and after all they’re supreme go-getters.
The Slayers Barry and Siegward are fielding the Ship of Theseus, a model trireme with a long of Styrofoam oars that may be used to hit competitors over the head with. They’ll cheat at every opportunity, and Siegward’s abilities as a Lout actually makes him a decent sailor. They are also not trying to win, only make the players lose; if they can sink both of their rafts at once, they’ll call that a victory. On the other hand, they suffer from the drawback that no one else likes them enough to be on their team, so they’re strictly a two-man operation.
The town’s premier fast-food dive, Papa Pastrami’s Pizza Palazzo, is joining the race on the Extra Cheese, formed like a slice of pizza with rubber pepperonis. Papa has Mama Pastrami, Figlio Pastrami, and Cugina Piccola Pastrami with him for the ride. None of them are great sailors, but they are hoping to make up for it on style by loudly singing opera at every opportunity, especially when their competitors are trying to concentrate on something.
Finally, the Gooberville chapter of the Bitter Losers Club (remember that one? I’m actually considering renaming it The Mildly Ashamed Boys, but it feels a little overly convoluted…) have listlessly thrown their hat in the ring with the Just My Luck, a vessel whose crowning glory is a giant plastic head that will spurt gushing tears and make a sobbing noise (“boo hoo hoo! Boo hoo hoo!”) when someone is working the pump. The Losers aren’t trying to actually win, as that would be against everything they stand for – they just want a chance to complain about their miserable lives to a ready-made audience. That said, if the players, the lawyers and the Slayers sabotage each other enough that neither of them wins, the GM should absolutely have the Losers beat them, just for maximum humiliation.
All right. That should give us plenty to work with. Next time, we’re dealing with the first stretch of the trek down the river.